Lived, Loved and Lost

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Lived, Loved and Lost

All these years I have loved him but never wanted him. I don’t know what everyone else thinks but to me, he would remain the best guy of my life. The studious, protective, charismatic, fierce yet tender guy. Everyone have defined him like this always. But can he be even defined? I have spent 10 years with him but yet I don’t have a definition for him. He is the guy who would get uncomfortable with his own feelings and yet not hurt anyone. He is a kid, a small brainless infant; His innocent heart that is shelled behind his pretentious smile always. He is a maze, the hardest that I have ever come across.

I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know why I loved him so much. I don’t know if I would ever know. All I know is if today he asks me to ruin myself, I will but if today he asks me to leave him and go, I won’t be able to. He is my perfection in this imperfect, flawed and displaced world. When he looks at me, eternity doesn’t feel far. I love him to the point where the word ‘love’ seems tiny. But then I know he is not etched in my palms. It hurts every time I realize that he can’t be mine but nothing matters more than his smile. Sometimes I feel like leaving everything and moving on, moving away; but then the very next moment I realize how incomplete I am even when I try not to love him. Loving him is an essential part of my life. Each day standing in front of him and being the reason for his smile, sitting next to him and feeling his warmth, listening to his unsaid sagas, reading his sparkling eyes. Loving him, just loving him. It is my life.

Being stuck on him is not easy. Losing him to some girl each day, handing him over to the people he wants to be with. Each time he would talk about love, I would wish the next name he takes is mine. Every time he would hold my hand, I wish it is forever. It is never easy watching him go. It almost shatters me but I can’t walk away. My heart doesn’t allow me to. Because falling for him is so easy and loving him, is the best thing to do. I know he doesn’t belong with me. I know he won’t ever. I can’t cry for him and I am not strong enough to smile anymore. I think I will just love him, from this distance.

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