I remember the first time you said you love me. After a week of tossing your calls and ignoring your messages I finally agreed to meet you. Everyone is always talking about how difficult it is to express your love to someone and so I was scared. I tried, I tried hard to fall in love with you but I couldn’t. The thought made me guilty because out of all the promises I made to you in all these years, hurting you wasn’t one. I dressed up trying to look the worst I could. As I looked in the mirror I was still not sure what was it that made you so crazy about me? I was a short-fat average looking girl. I picked up my ear ring from the table and begin to force it in my ear; Tired and confused I threw it on the floor and sat down on my bed. I felt a warm tear drop making its way to my cheek shouting I can’t do this to him. After 5 minutes of going through memories and pulling myself together, I picked my bag and left the house.
I saw you sitting in the park. You were sitting there, clearly nervous and washed out. It was so much more difficult for you than it was for me. For a moment I just wanted to walk away but for how long can I run? And from you? You were my best friend, making you suffer like this wasn’t fair. I stepped in your direction and you noticed I am here. The way you looked at me, I knew you already know my answer but it was really important for you to let it out. Being the perfect best friend you always said I was, I smiled and hugged you. I could feel you wiping your tears behind my back. We both then sat down to talk about what might probably ruin everything we have.
You started speaking but you just could not look at me. I felt too hurt. I didn’t want to be the villain in your life. I don’t want to be the girl who left you.
I interrupted you and spoke up, “It’s ok. You don’t have steal your eyes from me. I know you from about 4 years and if still I don’t understand you… You have not done anything wrong and trust me nothing can ever ruin what we have.”
You looked at me with your teary eyes and said, “I don’t know how it happened but you are the one I want to be with. Looking at you gives me peace, staring at you as you chatter is my joy. I am sorry but I can’t help it, I just… I… I love you.”
We both were crying trying to stay strong. I tried to say some supporting words when you just stopped me and continued speaking.
“I am not telling this to you because I need an answer, but I need a closure. You are not obliged to feel the same way. I know you do not but I had to tell you this. I know we cannot forget this happened but I think we both knew for long that it is going to happen. So let us get done with this today.”
You took a deep breath and looked way more stronger than you were earlier. You wiped the tears in your eyes and continued. “You know if you walk away today, it will still be okay, I will not die, I will keep breathing but you know it will always pinch me somewhere that I lost you for such a funny reason that I loved you. You are my best friend, my life won’t be the same without you.”
I looked at you trying hard to find what to say next but words resigned to sleep and silence enveloped us. I looked down for a moment before I hugged you and said I am sorry. It hurt me as much as it hurt you. I promised I will kill anyone who ever hurt you and there we sat, with our arms wrapped around each other, both hurt and both clueless of what will happen next.
Weeks of awkwardness followed, the awkwardness that came from trying to be completely normal. I could not touch you without knowing I am not just a friend to you and you could not look at me without the realization that I am not entirely comfortable. As much as we needed a conversation to solve our story, we were not ready to have it. The distance kept growing and I lived my nightmare, slipping away from you because of these feeling you have.
I still remember the first time you said you love me, it is still not the same since. I wish to look at you and not know that you love me. I wish I could check out guys with you and tell you about my crushes like I used to. I wish I would not see every gesture you make as a plan to win me. I wish you could not see the awkwardness in my eyes when you hold me. It has been 2 years, I wish I could really have my best friend and this obligation to be with you will leave me.